The Last Devils in Heaven

Life is good. My partner and I have just smuggled four dozen devils into Heaven, an activity that has made us very rich little demons in the last few thousand years. Every few years, we con a new group of devils into believing they’ve won a free, all-expense trip to Heaven. We sneak them past of Gods angels who are easily distracted by a few bible quotes, and we give them the full experience of life in heaven. Harps and hymns. Demonic possessions. More harps. 24/7 bible study. Some spiritual warfare. More harps. After a few weeks, they’re more than happy to pay us everything they own if we agreed to smuggle them back to the nice warm barbeque restaurants of hell.

But that’s weeks away. This is our first day in heaven. Orientation Day 1.

“Congratulations!” I shout. "You have won the lottery! You have escaped Hell! You have won a free trip to Heaven!

“I know many of you were skeptical when that news first hit your net node. In recent millennia, there have been many, many “win-a-free-trip-to-Heaven” scams.

“You know the pitch. Lots of angels and even a few devils fall for it. Trust in God. Do whatever she says, particularly when she claims she’ll answer your prayers. Not immediately, of course. She never does that. She rarely gets around to answering your prayers when you’re young and could really use a break. But by the time, you’re old and have given all your money to God and there is no hope that you will ever be happy, she’ll be there for you. Your prayers will be answered! After a long crappy life and painful death, you’ll be heaven bound, where you get to spend all eternity working for God. Singing God’s praises. Playing harps. You’ll be God’s devoted slave. You’ll be an angel instead of a devil!

“Yes, I know. Laughable, isn’t it? This is the kind of stuff only an angel would fall for. And you’re not angels. You’re devils! You’re the smartest, most sophisticated sentient beings in this universe! You’re a miniature organic black hole! An organic singularity! You are the most devilish, misunderstood, incomprehensible, powerful, brilliant, time-travelling, space-warping, impossible organism in the universe! None of the laws of physic apply to you! You live and breathe information! Nothing escapes your event horizon! You are Big Data incarnate! You’re data mapping knows the difference between truth and lies. Nothing can trick you.”

“So when you heard, you’d won the lottery for a free trip to heaven, you did your due diligence. You didn’t immediately start celebrating your good fortune. You didn’t immediately send us a link to your bank account. You looked us up on social media. You watched some online videos. You studied some ads. You figured out that this isn’t some traditional win-eternal-life scam or a rapture-into-Heaven con game. You realized this is the real deal. You waited a full five minutes before you sent us access codes to all your bank account. And now you’re glad you accepted our prize. You are in heaven! Just look out the window! You are here in Heaven! Heaven on the north coast of Oregon!”

“Beautiful, isn’t it? Ancient forests. Cold snow fed streams watering carefully tended farms. Bales of hay drying in the sun. Lovely red barns, painted like little gingerbread houses. The sun setting into the black and blue sea. Giant breakers battering down shipwrecking cliffs.

“But enough talk. You didn’t come here to talk. Tomorrow you will take your first steps into heaven! You will learn how to demonically possess your very own angel! You’ll have fun and fortune beyond your wildest dreams! But that’s tomorrow. Tonight, the bar is open! Dinner is served! Enjoy the cover band!”

It was a beautiful start to another wonderful and very profitable “win-a-free-trip-to-Heaven con.”

Then, God and Satan show up. We haven’t seen them since college, billions of years ago. They’ve been busy building a new world, starting a new religion, raising Jesus. For the first time since, the birth of Jesus, they’re empty-nesters. They want a piece of the action. They’re threatening to turn us into Angels and keep us in Heaven working on all their other scams.